Literally at the end of 2013, I experienced a rainbow of emotions, all at once. The reservoir of tears in my body was depleted within days. Closely followed by the streams of venom, that ended up flowing from my lips, in defense of my breaking heart and loss. This was just one of those moments when you couldn’t fathom anyway of lifting yourself up again. Family and friends “tried” their best to help me up, but the loss was more than simple hurt and pain. It had in actuality cracked the wall that caged all of my previous pains. Which left the ghosts free to seep back into my pores and out again through my thoughts.
After a bit of time and what some may call luck (what others may call God) and the soft steady wind of positive energy; I started to breathe again. I was now calm enough to start the process of rebuilding myself. One of my prefered and most effective methods of construction was the use of POST-ITS. Yes those colorful little papers that litter your office desks and your refrigerator at home. My trusty notes became my emotional building blocks. The method was quite simple, I would at the beginning of my work day, just before I would start reading office emails. I would simply list everything and I mean everything, that I was grateful for. As I had recently touched all personal lows, my first Post-its were very basic in thought
1. I woke up today
2. The kids woke up today
3. I did not cry last night
4. Everyone appears healthy
5. There is a roof over our head
6. There was electricity
7. There was water ( the utility companies can act the fool in this country)
8. I ironed last night ( 30 more minutes of sleep)
9. There was food in the kitchen
10. The kids laughed this morning
11. I have a job
12. The office has peppermint tea
13. I have music at work (freaking priceless. I love music)
Throughout the day i would do more and more post-its. At the end of the day of some days I would have a few, some days more than 10. This became a ritual for me. It became a lifeline, when the day would start to get crazy or when I felt hopeless. I had my little pieces of paper to remind me of all the good things and good experiences in each day.
Slowly I started to even include some of the bad experiences. Because at the end of each one, I started to realize that there was always hope, kindness or positive movement. By writing my thoughts in phrases or through tiny words, I was learning more about myself and rebuilding me. This time my foundation would not just be strong, it would be flexible.
Within each colored paper I could look at the reality that was my life. Yes there were gonna me moments filled with tears, exhaustion, anger and sometimes pain. But these moments were gonna be used as fuel to propel myself further. The lonely nights would make the mornings brighter. The heavy burdensome days would make my sleep even sweeter. The people who left my life would make me appreciate the new ones to come.
So there you have it; my foundation is supported by small pieces of paper. And I can bet you that it is stronger than any brick or cement.