Because I did not know what to say

I don’t know what to say.

I really wished I had some way to manipulate the English language to speak the words that laid within the corners of my heart. But today my lips are traitors to my mind and to my heart. Today someone close to me suffered a loss, and I am still at lost. I am at that moment where you question how something like this could happen to such positive and vibrant people, and for this, I don’t know what to say.

Generally I have been gifted/burdened with the ability to spin words off of my tongue and twirl them like a majorette in a college parade. But tonight as I lay in bed, there is no music in my soul and no beat to twirl my words to. What am I supposed to say? I know all the expected things I could say, but my lips refuse to be a deserter to my soul, and whisper things without true meaning. “Everything happens for a reason”, “In time you will forget”, “Nearly every couple experiences this at some point”, ” Everything in your life is perfect anyway”, “Be thankful for what you already have”. All meaningless bullshit phrases repeated to fill empty air. In any effect, these words are designed more to comfort the comforter  more than the aching heart. I’m sorry, I can’t be that friend, I never read those bi-laws in the friend handbook that said I must feed you bullshit to make me feel better.

So instead I remain silent for a moment longer.

Every pain has its own measurement and no one has the right to compare their emotional journey with that of a breaking heart. So I will not insult you with recaps of how I faced my pain within my journey. We are all equipped with our own toolkit of emotions, where our blanket of memories sets the template for how each of us as individuals will face each obstacle/episode of life. And with this I say feel free to kick over your toolkit and break out every emotion inside. Try every emotion out and hold on to the emotions, whatever they may be, once it gives your heart a voice to release.

Scream, whisper, shout, pray, let the words escape through every pore. Don’t worry about appearances, screw anyone who thinks that this is the time to judge you. Scream at me if you want to. As your friends we all carry our own remnants of loss. Though each of our journeys differ; within our combined emotional fabric, is a place of warmth for you. Within this space we will stand by you, beside you, or even ten steps behind you. Each position allowing you the time and freedom to be.

* I choose not to go into the details of this loss ( and strangely as I write it, I am thinking how this represents more than one situation, for more than one person.My business is an open book. The lives of those close to me, is  and shall remain a closed book ( unless they give me permission to open that book).

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