Internal Battle Within Me

Inhale, Exhale, Inhale a little deeper, hold it, hold it, and exhale. Clearly there isn’t a lack of oxygen to my brain. This is clearly a emotional dilemma; an attack by some enemy determined to see my wall rebuilt.

The sad thing is that I believe that enemy is me. To say that I am having a moment of self-doubt would be the understatement of the century. I am experiencing something way beyond self-doubt. I am literally projecting an emotional battle that has no reason to exist.

There has to be a logical scientific reason why my brain chooses to self-destruct at the idea of peace and calm (though my lips have echoed the need for peace and calm, and deep down I know that my soul yearns for it), at the introduction of someone. Previously there have been experiences where my mind would resemble the battle field of white blood cells all-out attack on a dangerous invader. But this time there may not even be an invader. Previously at the first sign of a faulty connection, my mental forces would arm themselves with enough military strategy and research to bolster a pre defense on any soft word or delicate emotion aimed at me. For the most part, my Highly Proactive defense was very effective and prevented sneak attacks to the heart and mind. These were the times when it was able to spot danger long before I could, within the emotional dance of deciding a friend or foe.

Unfortunately there were  a few casualties of the heart that left the enemy a victim to possible self-produced wars; and for those fallen soldiers we will leave flowers at the grave of hearts.

Nevertheless with my art of war researched and reviewed, this march of soldiers seems somewhat different and the vagueness and mystery is definitely new to my radar. I am unequipped to track, motivate, calculate or decipher the next move. There are no chess pieces or board to direct this play. Instead each play resembles the moves from a child’s Twister game played by an able and limber opponent, with no real victory in sight for either side.

Has my armed forces rebelled from their initial mission of forging peace and calm; and instead focusing their resources to wage unnecessary wars?

How else would you translate my inability at this moment to accept and calmly acquire emotional gifts and unification treaties of neighboring sources? There has been no indication of foul play. There has been nothing but straight up honesty and limited foreign relations. Yet the idea of emotionally signing a treaty, even one of friendship, scares me. Can it really be that simple? That even though the treaty represents everything that I require (80/20) and deserve, my main issue is that of signing first (falling first)?

Have my previous battles scarred my vision that I no longer can spot the difference between friend and foe? Or am I just so afraid of another attack that I self-detonate even before the battle cry?

This time the battle may not be external but within myself.

Military Notes (for an Internal battle):

  • You don’t always have to protect yourself. You don’t always have to shield yourself. There is still good in the world
  • You deserve to be liked/loved
  • You deserve affection
  • You deserve romance
  • You can be liked/loved
  • You can like/love someone
  • No one is perfect and you don’t have to wait for perfection (80/20 would be nice)
  • You are not meant to be perfect, accept your imperfections
  • Shit is gonna happen in some way or form, might as well enjoy the moments without it and not project into it.

When faced with the unknown, let go of the need to control and protect. You cannot predict nor dictate what the future holds, good or bad. Not everything or everyone will be a perfect fit. But if you keep blocking, running or deflecting, your only enemy will be you.

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