Lately, my brain has been spinning, literally spinning with thoughts, ideas, new goals and new dreams. It’s a new and weird feeling, but I like it.
I recently had a “Moment” where I had to just to STOP. This was not one of those average pause moment in life where you try to reevaluate where you are in life and evaluate your surroundings. Most people have experienced this at various points in their life. Some of us as early as kindergarten, where we try to figure out if we are going to be a good girls or bad boys, and listen to the teacher or continue to get in trouble daily (I decided to be good with moments of trouble).
This was not one of those moments. This felt like someone lifted me up in the air, spun me around and threw me against a wall (I am not being dramatic, this shit felt real). I mean, I even lost a tooth, A FREAKING TOOTH. Who do you know loses a tooth under stress? No one. But I did. I literally grinned down my tooth, until I had to go to the dentist, by that time my gums were already infected and had to remove the remaining piece. Clearly when I do something, I do it well, even when it is wrong.
I think that was literally my breaking point. I had to stop. I was not able to be there for the people I love, the people I liked or the people who just needed me. Because for years I had not been there for myself. Yes I appeared somewhat balanced, always with a smile and a helping hand to any and everyone. Generally putting myself last in each equation. But like anyone else, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was being tugged in every direction and I couldn’t be there for anyone. Expectations of perfection were too high and many of those expectations were self imposed years before I could spell self impose. So I crashed. And I crashed HARD. The timing of course was not the best, as I was actually trying to take some “me time” and relax. The universe has a way of laughing at me, and this time it made me the center joke. It spun me out of my superwoman costume and left me naked on the ground grasping for cover.
I CRIED, I cried in bed, I cried in the sofa. There was one point while walking through the supermarket isle, I started crying while looking at crackers. During all of this I was useless to myself. Somehow I was able to still assist in a few projects and project some kind of smile. But just under my layers I was cracking fast. I wanted to tell every, and anyone to jump off a cliff. Or to leave me the &%#@ alone. A few people actually received that response. Some got it a little easier than others, But generally all the same. I was angry, I was hurt, I was tired, lonely (within crowds of people), overwhelmed, and pissed off, SPINNING OFF BALANCE; you name it I was there.
I tried everything I knew to escape the tsunami of emotions, but nothing was working. I tried drinking, couldn’t even get drunk, and trust me I drank that night (haven’t drank since- and don’t intend to). Tried distracting myself, nope didn’t work either. Music was not taming my inner beast. Not even sleep.
Something had to give, and as close as I was to giving up and accepting that maybe this is what I would feel like for the rest of my life. Something snapped. Hell NO. I was not designed to be miserable. It was taking too much energy. If I was destined to be a bitter person, why was it hurting at a cellular level? Why was I still fighting to be me?
I decided to stop crying, my body had produced enough tears. I decided to bond with my knees and have a talk with God. Not the God please help me prayer. But a deep conversation on what I was feeling, already knowing deep down where I was, but not sure how to get back to where I belong. Then it hit me, maybe I was in the wrong place. Maybe all this time, I was doing it all wrong. I had forced my programming to go one direction for so many years that I had corrupted my own files. My system needed to reboot and do it the correct way. The way I was destined to be.
I am not sure what my overall goals will be, but since that week, my thoughts have gotten much clearer and I am starting to see where I need to be and not just where I want to be. Took me buckets of tears, a few disconnected relationships and a tooth; but I think this may just be where I needed to be all along.