Today someone close to me asked if I was feeling down or depressed, I personally found the question a bit weird but answered it in the best way that I could without actually telling a lie. “No, I don’t think so, why you ask that?” To which they simply responded with a response that lined up with, they just needed to know.
Now I am neither a psychologist, psychiatrist, or any of those other cool ‘psych’ [long and hard to spell] career minded names. Yes I took a few psych courses in university and did pretty well at them, but I kept my focus in the business field- this may change soon………clearly I am digressing too early in this blog entry. Forgive me, it has been a while since I have written and I am still retraining my thoughts to bounce around my brain in some sequential order; clearly it is a work in progress.
Anyways back to the original thought, recently I have not been feeling ‘like myself’, so I understood where his question was coming from, as he knew me better than most people. But the truth be told I haven’t felt like myself for a while and I am not quite sure what ‘myself’ should really feel like or look like. I know as parents and career minded people, we are supposed to always have it together and put on a front/mask that reflects tranquility, balance and inner peace………………………………………………….But what happens when you don’t feel like that. What happens on those days when you are already struggling with your internal demons and to throw you fully off balance, the demons around you [maybe demons is too strong of a word, but they are some people who can be so freaking negative and badminded, that demons is the nicest name I can give them], and their negative energy jumps into your energy circle.
I mean everyone has a breaking point when your own self-doubt, impending deadlines and the rare but really frequent occasions when you are trying to decipher life’s direction get combined with the lack of coffee. This already is too much to handle. Add to it, environments where people are more savage than your average animal planet show in their fight to the top of their career, or for a selected group-their chosen flag poles [now that’s a whole entry, series or book waiting to happen]……See how I pulled that digression back quickly, I am getting better already.
There is something called a perfect storm, and lately there has been a perfect storm [internally and externally] of crap around me. I am sure my crap load of thoughts and observations are not bothering other people, but I am not them, and anyone who really knows me, knows that I can analyze the heck out of any scenario/obstacle/situation and look at the long and short term repercussions. But what I failed to realize was in this analysis, I was developing and building up an emotional and mental rubik’s cube around my own energy. And did I mention that I still have not solved a rubik’s cube in my life, never ever, not one, even when I cheated as a teenager and peeled and replaced colors. For those of you that are too young and I have just lost you, Google or even better go on YouTube and find someone doing it…..
So when he asked me if I was depressed/down/ok [use whatever what you want to], I knew that his concern was due to the fact that my internal rotations were clearly showing on my face. My eyes have always been traitors to my thoughts and they function as big magnifying glasses to the circus of thoughts that perform in my head. So know if I like you, you don’t have to ask; my eyes will flash like neon lights on Broadway, letting you know. Unfortunately, I am still working on getting them to dim their expressions when I don’t like something or someone- work in progress.
This was clearly a sign to me that it was time to start peeling back and evicting a few performers out of my mental circus. Guess the positive and main cast members were being muted by the funky newcomers and it was time for me to give my attention to the positive forces in my life and find ways to keep the shady energy out. As I tend to deal with stuff by writing it down, I am predicting that we will be experiencing [well you will be reading while I experience] a bit of house cleaning/demolition to remove the negative energy.