The idea for this blog entry started out as just ramblings about sometimes feeling out of place. It however took a whole other direction and went somewhere I did not expect it to. I have learnt not to force my words and to just let them flow out my head and sometimes even my heart without much filtering. As such this post has now changed from one entry …into a few [will post the others throughout the week]. As always I will hope that it is as honest as it can be, there may be moments of diversion; but if you are not new to this blog, you already know that diversions and digressions are my middle name. So here goes…………
A few years ago I started to have gut feelings or dreams that I needed to do more, that I shouldn’t be satisfied with what everyone else was satisfied with and I needed to make a few minor and a heap of drastic changes. I was not sure of what the actual direction of my path would be, but I knew I was far from it. And until I was able to do what I had to do, I would not be able to find full satisfaction.
Now don’t get me wrong, I was having a lot of fun, most of the time and even accomplished a few things along the way. There were however moments when I just didn’t feel fulfilled, I simply assumed that everyone else felt like that and that it was normal. But is it normal to always feel that you are not exactly where you should be, that though you may be doing what is expected of you; that it just does not meet your true purpose. Yes everyone may think that you have it all together but only those select few who have true empath abilities, and who actually give a crap would be able to know that everything is not what it should be. If they are really good they would be able to see the hidden dents in your armor and the cracks in your mask. But then again, I can’t really blame them for not noticing. Most people are so heavily covered by the thick individual and societal pressed encasement, that they couldn’t identify their own emotions if given a mirror.
I would like to say that I received this enlightenment within a moment, a day, a week, or even a few months but I try not to tell lies on Mondays and the truth is, it took me years. It is taking me years. I may be much better than I was, but it is definitely a work in progress. Prayer has helped A LOT. I have had a lot of things taken out of my control growing up, so as an adult, I have become somewhat of a “slight” control freak, yes I am going to use the word slight…my blog…my words. And with this ‘slight’ control issue, I have been put to the test. Guess what, even more things are out of my control, and I would bet on it that every day, at least ten to one hundred things are just out of my control. This is where prayer comes in. I have had to pray every day. Not always the go down on your knees, pull out the bible and pray prayer. But in the middle of the day when you are surrounded by people and you know you need to ‘tag someone into the surging battle of the moment, cry out to God prayer’. I have had to include the early Morning Prayer, where like a ‘little kid calling out to her dad to catch her, before she jumps off the big rock at the park prayer’. And as I am no angel, let me not forget the ‘God please get these negative people out my face prayer, I do not want to ever go to jail prayer’….As you can see I have had to pray.
And I know everyone has their own religion, their own spiritual beliefs and I mean no disrespect. But to get me on my path, to help me find my way I have had to develop a relationship, not a tradition or a memorized act….but a relationship with God to keep me believing, to keep me going day to day. I mean to each their own, but my method works for me, may not work for you. But for me, there comes a time when coffee, wine and your friends just won’t scratch that itch. And you need to reach out to someone bigger than you who controls everything….The real boss.
So like before I am going to have break this post down into a few more entries. Because sometimes you have to take time to say what you need to say. And I feel that I need to be honest about this, from where it was, where it is and where it may lead to……… So guess I will be posting a bit more pieces this week.
I know that the people who read my blog may not be able to answer this question, or even want to. But do feel free, I would love to find out what other people think and feel about this topic, or any topic. Sometimes it just feels good to know that I am not the only one who feels the way I do and to learn the way others approach things.