I sometimes get these moments, days and even weeks where my words fight for release. And to any writer that may sound like a good thing, but to be honest, it isn’t always a great feeling and sometimes it can be very intense. The thing is, even though my words are trying to break free, my mind understands the repercussions of that freedom and it tries its best to hold them in. It knows that with each post written, each chapter prepared, each article or interview done, there would be more transparency to who I am and the evolution part of the growth process. Though the words know that their purpose is greater than just me and that they must escape into the universe for others who are facing similar, yet different, paths; and though they empathize with the brain and the logical process it must endure, my words have already concluded that their journey is not one determined exclusively by logic, but by purpose and faith. Thus, the battle for domination occurs and I am left to endure being a momentary prisoner of war in my own life.
It is within this present conviction that I am going to try to be as open as I can be in the hopes that, in doing so, I am able to work through my present encampment. Who knows, maybe some of you who are reading may also be victims to your own battles. Perhaps together we may be able to find freedom through our transparency. So here goes….I sometimes feel the need to hold myself back from becoming [yes I know, I clearly jumped straight into it, and no fluff was given]. And it is not that I want to sabotage my own growth and development, but sometimes it scares me when I envision what lies before me. Does that even make any sense? Should it even make sense that I [maybe we] often feel scared to become who we are truly meant to be?
Becoming who you truly were destined to be isn’t just as easy as waking up and having an ‘aha’ moment. I have had countless of those moments. But it is when the aha moments are combined with the ‘what if…,’ ‘how about…,’ ‘why do I…,’ ‘should I…,’ ‘ohhh…,’ ‘there is…,’ ‘maybe…,’ ‘they will…,’ ‘it may…,’ ‘BUT…,’ ‘I should…,’ ‘I feel…,’ ‘I need…,’ ‘I can…,’ ‘I will…,’ and then the ‘of course I am…’ moments; it is then that destiny occurs. You see each aspect and word goes way beyond a simple moment — it becomes not just a way of thinking or simply a way of breathing, but in fact, the way you exist. And thus, in all honesty, I am afraid of becoming.
You know the point at which you have had all the ‘aha’ and ‘what if’ moments? That juncture where they drive deep into your being and there is no going back to where you were? So deep that you have to move forward? Yes, in that instant. Well, that is when I literally rolled up into a ball and ate apple pie at midnight [Two huge slices to be more exact. I would have eaten more but there was nothing left]. After this emotional consumption, I tossed and turned for hours/days, wrapped in fears — not for indigestion for a true foodie has no real eating clock — but because I had come face to face with the fact that I was afraid of becoming and what it would require of me to truly become [This was not a silent fear, but a physical twisted agony]. Sure, it is all fun when something great is waiting for you in life. But as you step away from what was, and you stand with your hand touching the edge of what is to be… that moment can be terrifying. And in all honesty, I was petrified. For to fully live in your purpose, there must be a death to who you were. So, it is understandable to mourn what was, and to be afraid of the known, as well as the unknown.
You see, even though I am accustomed to the clash between words and mind, this battle is more intense and will ultimately affect who I am. This fight is more than a battle it is a war between my mind and my entire physical and spiritual being and there can only be one winner. And even though I am generally not at a loss for words, I do hope that I am able to describe this war so that you can fully understand [but do forgive me if it doesn’t- as it is a bit emotional for me to write this].
Imagine standing behind the curtain, and the world/your purpose/your destiny is on the other side, seated beyond the stage. Your hands tremble as you reach to pull the curtain open before you step out. Then suddenly you can hear a faint sound on the other side, and it scares the daylights out of you. You now quickly change your mind about seeing what is on the other side, and instead, use all of your strength to keep the curtain closed so that you can walk away. But it refuses to stay closed. As you look on in alarm, your grip starts to tear the cloth… the curtain releases itself from your hand determined to be open and free.
This may not be the most Shakespearian wording, but it should give you somewhat of a visual of the emotions involved. The thing is, before the curtain of life started to open against my will, I truly thought that I could command its movement. Something in me gave me the audacity to assume that I was in control. But guess what? I am not! No matter how much I have tried to hold on and keep it closed, it was destined to happen. God was going to open the curtain despite my control issues. And now post apple pie battle it is a little hilarious that I, in all of my humanity, was trying to tell God that I am not ready; that I may not have what it takes; that maybe “they” are right and that ultimately, He is wrong; and that maybe He should give this purpose to someone else. I can imagine His angels are somewhere in heaven right now laughing after me, cracking up and showing my ‘apple pie battles’ on angel Instagram [or whatever social media they use]. How hysterical it must be for them to see us mortals on earth trying to tell God that He must wait, that His game plan is faulty and that He is wrong. Who knows, I may be in a viral video right now on comedic mortal acts [I may even be trending higher than funny cat videos].
It is in this comical, yet ultimate, cognizance, I have also had to come face to face with the reality that to exist in my purpose, I will also have to shed all the excuses I have allowed to hold me motionless for so many years. To say that I am afraid of what is, is not quite accurate. I would have to say that I am more afraid of what could be. For it is one thing to know something about yourself, but it is another to accept it and to then act on it.
I already know that I must accept my differences, not as an ailment [as suggested by others], but instead to embrace that, though I am different with many layers, my diversity and uniqueness is not something to be ashamed of. Rather, it is something that I should cling to as it is and has always been my true identity.
And I know that the excuse of holding onto people as if they were bags, serving no positive impact or input into my life, is ridiculous. Like any stylish but unnecessary bag, I should just appreciate the relationship for what it was/is and move it aside/remove/give it back to the universe. This will indeed be messy, but I know it is necessary; as it allows people and items to come into my life that are more supportive and produce more positive energy.
This all comes with the knowledge that, though I can make all types of plans and all kinds of decisions, at the end of the day this continues to be bigger than me and as such each step, each turn, each failure/imperfection/slip and change is for a greater purpose and is a set up for what was already destined to be. I know there are no promises that everything will be easy, and it does not mean that I won’t be scared again…. before I press publish on this very transparent blog, I may try to talk myself out of it…. but I will press publish [it actually took over twenty-four hours to press the publish button].
I know that you may be judging and thinking that in writing this blog post I have shown too much weakness, and maybe I have [but if you read my writing enough times you will always see my weaknesses and strengths]. You may even be laughing right now as you read this, and that is okay. I was there, so I know an apple pie battle would probably look funny to an outsider. Nonetheless, I doubt I am alone. I doubt that I am the only human on this planet who has, is or is going to face that curtain moment where they would rather run in the other direction if given a chance. I mean even Jonah in the Bible went as far as to jump on a ship to run away and trust me there are others throughout history who have tried to escape their calling. It was happening back then and it will continue to happen. Everyday individuals will have to endure internal battles when faced with the understanding/desire/drive to start that new business, taking that course, writing that script, starting that new career, inventing that product and creating that non-profit movement… And when that battle takes them to the edge where they are faced with the fact that there is no going back, it is okay to have an apple pie moment. But do know that like mine, your curtains are going to open anyway, so you might as well take a deep breath and walk on to that stage.