(Sunday March 4th, 2018) …. I believe that the Universe provides subtle hints to where our lives will take us. Now that I have the gift of hindsight, I think it sent one to me four days early, and of all places, it was sent to me on the bridge. No, I am not talking about a big metaphor of life [then again maybe I am]. I was literally, physically, and more importantly willingly standing on a swinging bridge. God made no mistakes when he created the earth and everything in it, but whenever I get to have a one-on-one conversation with him in heaven, I am definitely going to ask him to explain the need for spiders, snakes, bridges and a few other things.
I naturally dislike heights and I am a lover of stability, so anyone who knows me knows that to get me—willingly—on a shaky, old, swinging bridge… this had to be the beginning of something big. But as you can see from the picture below, there I was walking across, not screaming or trying to turn around, but peacefully walking over the bridge. This peacefulness was, however, interrupted when my “loving” husband and “sweet” daughter decided to start swaying the bridge a bit and bouncing on it—for their own twisted fun. [Be careful of who you take on your life’s journey. Some people are going to walk beside you, but they may be the same ones causing most of the havoc in your walk]. Nonetheless I made it across the bridge, and I am actually quite proud of myself. I felt like a powerful Wakandan warrior, ready to face anything….and it was within that moment that I believe the Universe decided it was time to test this new warrior spirit within me.
March 8th, 2018 – Day One: I had a Doctor’s appointment scheduled, one that I had earlier considered postponing until June as it was just to confirm a primary care physician and if possible, run some routine ‘get to know you’ types of tests. For some reason, I decided to go even though it was very inconvenient with what I had to do that day. Everything was going well… I liked my new doctor from “hello,” my medical history was logged down and I was quite comfortable with all the tests being done. Then somewhere between what should have been the ‘everything looks good’ phrase and me leaving his office, there was a quick “hmmm…” You know those moments that, if you are not super attentive and observant to people’s body language and voice patterns, you could miss? Yes, this was one. It was ever so quick and just as gentle, but I noticed the slight “hmmm…” Within seconds I was told what he had noticed and that I would need to have a mammogram. Though not stated, I could tell that sooner would be best. As I was still on my Bridge high, I accepted this new knowledge without much apprehension and went about my day.
Day Two: Scheduled my mammogram for the following Monday, did not mention it to anyone. My husband, of course, knew from day one [told him as I walked out the doctor’s door, then we went to get something to eat—we have priorities]. I did not see the need to tell anyone as yet. I am very particular with the energy that surrounds me. Some of you reading this may consider it to be a selfish trait. Maybe it is—I don’t really care that much if you think it is. To me, it is a way of focusing on the source of my strength and direction—God. It allows me to remain positive and not have to nurse other people’s emotions when I am making sure that my connection and flow is intact. I cannot pour from an empty cup, and sometimes I am too busy pouring into everyone’s cup, to fill my own.
Day Three and Four: Are like any other days, I focus on family time and working on my projects. The thought of what is, does not stay dominant in my mind. I have moments when I think “ohhh” but those do not last very long.
Day Five: Mammogram & Ultrasound Day. I have never had a mammogram before, and I had heard all types of horror stories of how it really hurts and how terrible the whole thing is. For all the ladies reading this, I can honestly say that my experience was nothing like that. In addition to being treated with so much kindness, professionalism and care, I did not have a painful experience. It reminded me of breastfeeding my daughters after a C-section…slightly uncomfortable yet rewarding. I can’t speak for everyone, but I do believe your mindset, faith and the care given by the doctors and technicians play a big role in your experience. Hats off to the ladies who made me and the other women there feel like royalty!
If any of you are like me and are a bit too nosey for your own good, you tend to take a look at the instruments and screens and pay keen attention to people’s body language and facial expressions. Just like on day one there was another “hmmm” moment and this time the “hmmm” came from me. I have watched so many ER and Gray’s Anatomy episodes that I tend to notice little things on an ultrasound machine without anyone having to tell me anything. In this case I knew that for a technician to measure something, there had to be a something to measure. This, thus, became my silent “hmmm” and “aha” moment. Within minutes I had doctors enter the room and explain to me what I had already guesstimated from being nosey—there was a lump (actually two) and I was told that a biopsy would be scheduled. Again, I must make a special note of the professional medical care that I was given during this period. Even with my family’s history with breast cancer, I felt comfortable in their care and left the clinic understanding everything.
When I got back home, I needed my blanket [one of my languages of love is touch so I love comfy blankets] and some comfort food. Before you start getting all judgy and begin assuming that I was taking the situation too light-hearted, try to understand that the human in me comprehended the reality of the situation—my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, one of our very close family friends died less than two years ago from breast cancer, one of my best friends lost his mom, and a recent acquaintance lost his wife—so the seriousness of the circumstances was very clear. I understand reality and facts, and all the “what ifs” and “could be’s” that anyone can think of. The thing is… I have always had an issue with accepting reality as the beginning and end of what is possible or what will be. I don’t think I am rebellious by heart. I just think that my purpose in life cannot and will not be limited by anything. When God puts something in place for me, any obstacle faced is either a chapter in my life’s story or a re-directive stepping stone to where he wants me to be. Redirection is not always an easy pill for me to swallow, which became very clear on the night of day five. I am not quite sure when I fell asleep as I spent most of the night tossing and turning while my mind and spirit fought on what each one expected the outcome would be. Your mind is a powerful thing, but sometimes your spirit has to kick it up a bit to enable book/society’s logic to be replaced with old-fashioned stubborn faith. This night was going to be an epic battle, but at the end of it, there could only be one winner standing.
Day Six: I guess I should let someone know. As you know by now or have guessed from my blog post, I am super sensitive to my energy and who I keep around me. In this instance, it wasn’t that I was trying to push people away or keep them blind to the situation. I just needed my time to center myself and to hold onto the woman who walked across that bridge. By day six, I was good and at peace knowing that no matter the direction, God was in control and he was the author of my life. I understood the reality of my family history and what I knew to be human fact. But there was just a peace that, no matter what the next few days held, I would be fine. My husband and I joked about how I was just looking an excuse to shave my head and go full out Wakandan. And since my breast was getting a lot of physical attention these past few days, he said this was another excuse for me to be “felt up” by various people. [As you can see from some of the pictures, we both have a twisted sense of humor and trust me when I say that we can find ways to twist and joke about a lot of life’s moments—this is just fresh material for us].
In this state of mind, I chose to tell a tiny selected few. First, there were the prayer warriors. Trust me when I say that everybody, and I mean everybody, needs some prayer warriors in their life. You know the type of warriors that have no shame in their game and will break into a dutty, full out, ‘this is not a test’ type of prayer on your behalf. They are not the ones who simply say things like, “I’m praying for you” or “You are in our prayers.” These are the warriors who gather their own troupes and go out to war on your behalf. There is no chill in their prayer styles—they take the earrings off and smear the Vaseline when they go into prayer. GET YOU SOME PRAYING FRIENDS!!!
Then I chose to tell a heart and protector friend. This is the friend that not only prays for you, they strategically make sure you are good and goes out of their way to keep you in a positive mind. As I am a protective friend I did not want to burden anyone, but this time I knew this was bigger than that. Without fail, from the word lump, she jumped into action and threw her strength at me. I mean I literally felt stronger, I’m not sure if there is an app for passing energy to people, but she literally sent energy from where she was directing to me [distance has no power over the love of a good praying woman. I will forever be grateful to her and will always stand by her]. Next, I contemplated telling my family… My kids, I knew I would not tell until the biopsy results returned and decisions were made, so that was simple. My mother and then my sister, bless her heart, I gave them a limited summary version of the situation and then left them in God’s hands—as sometimes facts and faith don’t mix, and I was on my bridge. My close friends, as much as I do love them and know I can depend on most of them [reality check], I knew that I had to remain that woman on the bridge. Some of them were facing similar and difficult emotional situations, and I just did not want to add to their list. I know when they read this they are probably going to go all into their feelings, but it was nothing personal. I chose to do what was best for me and mine at that moment. At the end of day six….I was at peace with the journey behind me and I was at peace with whatever path laid before me.
Part Two: Coming Soon